How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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