the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
is wine microwaveable?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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