I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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