I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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