Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
