sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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