the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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