you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
