if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
