a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
