***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
