we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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