I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
