Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
