Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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