At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When are your genitals available?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
