Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
