Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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