how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
