Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
