The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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