My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
