I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
