We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
