mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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