It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
