thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
