I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
