the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
