I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
