i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
