Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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