made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
