there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
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