why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
