Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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