she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
my poor anus
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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