That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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