I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
