omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We have started to decorate penises.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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