Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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