Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
