Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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