and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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