is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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