So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
