i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
