nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
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Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
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I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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