I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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