My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
