Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
