that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize